Teens say the darndest things…

hybrid-shark

“What does a SharkMan have to do with teens and quotes?”, you might be thinking to yourself. Well, allow me to share with you some quotes from the past few days.  I think one of those quotes will answer your question.  Another quote will answer the question about how I read your mind in order to know what you were thinking upon seeing the Shark Man photo. Whoa. Mind. Blown. KABOOM.

Quote #1:

student: “Did you know that sharks can replace teeth as soon as they lose them? Oh, to mix the DNA of a shark and a human. That would be wonderful.”

me: “That would be pretty cool to not have to brush your teeth ever. Just knock them out after every meal.”

student: “Yeah, but what’s even better is that they never get cavities!”

Quote #2:

student: “Some Freshman tried my life in the lunch line today. He was trying to cut and he put his hand on me like this (puts hand on my bicep). I almost ended a life, today.”

Quote #3:

student:”You don’t really play soccer Wednesday nights.  You just go do drugs.”

me: “Yes. You caught me. I am a raging drug addict.”

student: “I thought you had an extravagant drug life.”

Quote #4:

student: “What would you do if some man just grabbed your ass at work?”

me:”I’d file a sexual harassment claim.”

student: “Usually calm, collected, and sophisticated women like you go crazy when they’re disrespected. You’d probably beat that n*gga’s ass”

me: “I do dream about punching people in the face.”

Quote #5:

me:”*******, you just totally read my mind! I was thinking I wanted you to put that book away, and you did it! You CAN read minds.”

student: “It’s easier to read the mind of an energized particulate entity.”

me: “What did you just say to me?”

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Quote + Rant =Quorant

     Every year, I wind up with a student who believes he/she is the cat’s meow.  This year is no exception. I have a student who has such an inflated sense of himself that he actually believes he taught me everything I needed to know my first year at my school.  I know.  Absurd, right?

I know, right?!
Preach!

Check this nonsense out:

student(in the most condescending tone ever): “I was a veteran at this school when you were a rookie. I showed you the ropes!.”

me: “Ahahaha…Thanks for that. I needed a good laugh.”

This student was trying harder than a wannabe to assert his “alpha maleness” over me(Please note: he has referred to himself as an alpha male. In class. In front of other kids. WHO SAYS THAT?! ). I don’t think so! First of all, no. Just, no. Get over yourself. Also, he can’t seem to accept the undeniable truth that while he has been in school for four years, he is actually NOT a senior.  He is a few credits shy of the glorious crown of seniority.

You mean I don’t get to keep this crown?

*start rant*  I think what really sets the coals of rage ablaze in my heart is the fact that everyone around him enables him.  Oh, you failed and made some really poor life choices? Here is a brand new car!  What’s that? You aren’t making enough money by selling things you shouldn’t be selling? Let me try to get the government to give you some free money! Huh? You want me to sit in a meeting and tell all the grown ups at the table that you can’t be helped because I can’t force you to do anything because, well, I just can’t? O.K!  Ugh. I’m over it.  Life will not be pleasant to this young man, and I wish he would take the help his teachers have been trying to give him for years. He is stuck in a delusional reality with some unlucky guests who will do nothing but make excuses for him over and over again.  Unfortunate.   *End Rant*

I’d like to state for the record that I think this person is a good kid. I think he can be quite kind and helpful when he wants to be.  I also think he has used some difficult events in his life as an excuse for everything. It breaks my heart into a million tiny little fragments that he keeps hurting himself without realizing it.  He continues to let past hardships define him in a negative way.  I think if he can move past those hardships, he’ll have a chance at a fulfilling life.  I can only pray that he finds the strength and courage to move forward.

Birds are carnivores?!

Today, hundreds of excited teens descended upon my high school in order to pick up schedules and books. After trying to help during the onset of said pandemonium, I was not given a task. So, I promptly returned to my secluded classroom and worked on oodles of things.  Well, about halfway through the day, one of my students came by to see me.  Our conversation started off perfectly fine; however, it quickly descended into the realm of insanity.  I was schooled.  Schooled in the ways of science.

monty
For realz…

Observe:

me: “Look at the bird feeder. The birds didn’t eat any over the summer. They hate the stuff I bought and now I am stuck with two bags of bird feed.”

student: “You need to feed them steak.”

me: “I don’t think birds are carnivores.”

student: “Birds love steak. I bet they’d eat the steak.”

me: “It’s been scientifically proven that birds are not carnivores.”

student: “We need to put a squirrel feeder out there. We should put steak in it.”

me: “Um, I don’t think squirrels eat meat either.”

student: “Sure they do. They’ll get all big and bulky and awesome.”

me: “Well, there you have it.”

 

So, needless to say, it is going to be a wonderful school year filled with hilarity, quotes, and meat-eating birds and squirrels. Bring. It. On.

student

“Be as your fancies teach you…”

Some character in the play Othello said, “Be as your fancies teach you…”, which I think is pretty sound advice.  My fancies have taught me many things.  They have taught me to be sarcastic in moderation; exhibit kindness even when people think it is a sign of weakness; fight for the underdog; fiercely protect those I love; and, stick with it when the going gets tough.

I expect year seven of teaching will be a tough one. According to psychologists, “the seven-year itch” refers to a declined interest/happiness in your marriage during year seven.  Why year seven? I do not know.  Psychologists did not feel the need to explain themselves as to why they selected year seven as the itchy one.  Anyway, since my job feels like a marriage in many ways, I am wondering if I will experience this seven-year itch phenomenon.

No, not the movie, although I'd love to look as fabulous as Marilyn!
No, not the movie, although I’d love to look as fabulous as Marilyn!

 

Towards the end of every school year I question my choice of profession. Actually, that is a lie.  Every November and May I question my choice of profession.  Obviously, I fight past said questioning, otherwise I would not be going into my seventh year of teaching. Throughout the course of this year, I plan on writing about the following: funny things my students say, frustrations I experience, and my overall fight against the seven-year itch.

I hope you’ll join me down this path of madness and itchiness. School resumes August 11th, my friends. Until then… 🙂